Oddly Enough Engineering/Jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a cloud of dust toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "Sure!"

The yuppie parked the Jeep, whipped out his notebook, connected it to a cell-phone data link, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, opened up a database and some 60 spreadsheets of complex formulas. Finally he printed out a 150 page report on his miniaturized printer, turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep!"

He watched as the young man made a selection and bundled it into his Cherokee. Then he added, "If I can tell you exactly what your business will you give me my animal back?"

"Okay, why not." answered the young man.

"You are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"You're right." answered the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"

"Easy." replied the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You wanted to be paid for information that I already knew.

Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and specifications. Bit nobody cannot think of everything. Once your bid is in - that's it Brother. From then on, anything wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the bidder) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied and shall be provided by the bidder without no expense to nobody but himself (meaning the bidder).

IF THE WORK is did without no extra expense to the bidder, than the work will be took down and did again until extra expense to the contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.

OUR ENGINEER'S PLANS is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discovered by the bidder, corrected, and did right with no extra expense to us. It won't cut no ice with us or our engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any work for us or him (meaning the engineer).

THE BIDDER is not supposed to make in front of our engineer, his plans, or the kind of work we're having did. If he do, it's just too bad for him (meaning the bidder).

IF THE BIDDER don't find all our engineer's mistakes before he bids the job, or if the bidder ain't got enough sense to know what our engineer's going to think up a bunch of new stuff that's going to have to be did before the job is completed, then it's just too bad for him (meaning the bidder).

A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines. The lawyer continues, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines, rolls over and tries to sleep.

The lawyer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated yet gleefully compelled, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer, knowing the distance changes over time and any answer would invoke a two hour dissertation from the lawyer as to why the answer was either not explicitly correct or generally inadmissible, doesn't say a word, and just hands the lawyer $5.

Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled statement, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, calls three friends on his cell phone and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $500. The engineer politely takes the money, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The lawyer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the lawyer, turns away, and returns to sleep.

Three engineers and three lawyers were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The lawyers took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with manipulating people, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three lawyers crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

One morning a contractor called an architectural (or engineering) firm and asked to speak to an architect regarding a particular project. The receptionist, with a voice full of regret, said, "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site." The contractor stated his condolences and hung up. About an hour later the same contractor called back and asked to speak to an architect regarding the same project. Again, the receptionist gave the contractor the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site." As before, the contractor mumbled his regrets and hung up.

This pattern repeated itself each hour throughout the morning, until, at last, the receptionist recognized the contractor's voice, whereupon she said to him, "Say, why do you keep calling here when you know I'm going to say the architect has recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site?"

You might be an engineer...
If you stare at an orange juice container simply because it says CONCENTRATE.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife."
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned-out bulb in the string.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If you have ever fixed a five dollar radio.

The Engineer

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern
angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a
pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things
are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or
I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. "

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

11.
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"

10.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where Your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

Question: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Answer: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer are waiting one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers. They see the course marshall and ask why he isn't doing something to expedite play. "They're blind fire fighters," says the marshall, "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them have free access to the course anytime they want."
After a moment's reflection, the group responds:
Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "I'm going to contact an ophthalmologist friend, and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

JOKES